This Is It.

• The purpose of this piece is to practice writing momologues.
• This is directed toward audiences between the ages of 17-20
  

This is it. I know it's the beginning of the end and if I don't tell him now I never will. But how can I? I am so ashamed; I wish I could have just listened to my conscience. Now I'm not sure I even have a conscience anymore. Would a guy with a conscience even do what I did?

URGH! This is so frustrating. It's a speech I practiced countless times in my head but can never make myself say it out loud. What would happen if I did? I have to think about my future, my school, my career, what would happen to me? What would happen to Dan and me...though I know the answer to that last question. He would probably push me off this hill. Yeah, that’s what I would do if I was him. After everything he has done for me , I had the nerve to go and do what I did. Even this camping trip was his idea. Taking me out to celebrate my acceptance to Yale, when he doesn’t know what I had to do to get it. Just like old times he said, just like old times when we would come here to get away from the city. From the people we hated. From the people who now have turned me into who I am. I ask myself over and over how I could let this happen but there is no use. In a moment everything can change. In a moment of frustration, jealousy and anger, I changed my best friend’s life. AND HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IT ! There is no use in asking why or how anymore. What I did is done and there is no way I can go back. I took those pictures and even though I wasn’t the one that photoshopped them , I was still the one that gave them to Brad and Jewels and everyone we hated. It was suppose to be a joke, a small prank. Of course I wasn’t too sure what they were going to do with the pictures but I didn’t think they would go that far. And to be fair, Dan abandoned me for football. It absorbed him and all his time, just like guilt is doing to me now. Lisa stuck around him for long enough anyway. We all knew she deserved better.

Here I go again. I can’t even stop my mind from thinking what it does anymore. Dan, my best friend. The perfect guy. Dan. Me in the background all the time, wanting what he had. Now I have it and of course now that I have it , it’s not what I want anymore. I want the old me. The humble me. The one that wasn’t tired of being a footnote in someone else’s story. They sent the pictures to the dean, and all hell broke loose. Yale never even explained why Dan was rejected form the school. They just sent I’m the rejection notice and that was that. Now I have his spot at Yale and once I tell him what I did, I’m not sure what will happen to me.

This is it. I know it's the beginning of the end and if I don't tell him now I never will. I wish I could hold this moment. The perfect moment. Right after the sun has set and I can feel the cool chill in the air and around my body. The sky plunging into a never ending darkness. Reminds me of what’s about to happen to my life.

I have practiced the speech in my head countless times.

Deep breath.

I can do this.

“Hey Dan?’